Javert gets sucked down a vortex of INSANITY!
by Matrix-Twin1
Summary: Pretty much what the title says... Poor, poor Javvy...
1. Beware for falling Inspectors

Due to the unforseen popularity of my Day in the Life, I decided to post my others... heh

Javert sat straight up in bed, ready to face the day and all its criminals. Hastily running a worn brush through hair he still believed was brown as he read his assignments, he smoothly drew on his customary dress. After all, when one has been wearing the exact same wardrobe for upwards of twenty years, it becomes second nature. Lastly, the coat, and he was ready to go out.

At the same time, in a place and time far distant from Javert, another person was performing a similar morning ritual, but with considerably less zeal. Her name is Tanqueray, and she is a self insert. (If you do not like this, get the #$ out now! I'm sorry, but you have been warned! Also, she is not a Marie-Suzette, as she is a bumbling crazy person. Because she is me. Sorry for that interruption.) Anyway. With the alarm clock blaring, her pair of cats meowing and clambering over her, the guinea-pigs screeching away, this was by no means her ideal wakeup. However, as she peeled off her light-blocking-mask-thing, she remembered that it was the last day of summer, full of schoollessness, and she was going to see Jori, a fellow Les Mis nut. In fact, they were planning to walk over the bridge, singing and giggling like the fan girls they are. Smiling contentedly as she fed the animals, Tanqueray prepared to face the day. To dress, she tossed on a pair of khaki cargo pants, and a vest, with a dark duster over top, and riding boots. This was her Javert outfit, and ridiculously hot for the day.

That he, Javert, should have been saved by a convict... He couldn't even begin to fathom it. It must be some sick sort of revenge. Or, the man was tired of the relentless pursuit, and was attempting to end it. Well! That would certainly never happen, not until Valjean was returned to jail, where he belonged! Or... No. That this man, this convict, could have saved Javert out of kindness... There was no way for him to comprehend this, so he didn't bother. But the thought kept returning to him. No matter how quickly he walked, this relentless shadow was always a step behind him. He could no longer think. With dark and frantic energy, Javert attempted to maintain his usual routine, but Valjean wouldn't leave him alone! He tried reading, humming, all out singing, stomping around, arresting some prostitutes. Nothing helped. There was, to Javert, only one solution: Death.

"Jorvert!"  
Tanqueray's companion looked up, bemused. "What?"  
With a little fangirlish titter, Tanqueray answered, "Jorvert! I just came up with it. Yay for me!"  
Jori, newly christened Jorvert, thought for a moment, staring at the brown muck coating the bottom of the shallow river. Finally, with a wicked grin, she exclaimed, "Then you can be Tanqnardier!"  
With a playful growl, Tanqueray rounded on her friend. "Hey! At least we both like Javert. Or, I do. I think you do... Anyway. At best, the Thenardiers are mildly amusing..."  
They would have gone on this way for some time, had Tanqueray's thumb ring not chosen that instant to fall into the water. As chance would have it, the ring landed on top of a small block of wood. As she scooped up the ring, Tanqueray contemplated the wood, comparing it (of course) to Javert's heart...

Over the railing. Why have it there? Only a drunk would fall, and good riddance. Anyone else who wanted to could scale it easily enough. A thick, black smoke filled Javert's mind, clouding his vision. Out of the smoke walked Valjean, causing the source of the smoke to be revealed. Javert's heart, which had so long know to be wooden, was burning. Eyes closed in resignation, Javert leaned forward.

**A heart made of wood can only burn.**

A moment after slipping the ring back on and thinking that unusual thought, Tanqueray was startled by a tremendous splash from the center of the river. Both she and Jori glanced up, trying to find the source. Once found, they burst out laughing.  
In the middle of the river, a largish man was flailing around, face down. This would have been tragic, were it not for the fact that the water was no more than two feet deep. This simply made it ridiculous.  
Rolling her eyes, Tanqueray turned to Jori. "People are so weird... Guess we should 'save' him."  
Not even bothering to roll up her pants, as it was hot enough that wet pants would be appreciated, Tanqueray abandoned her shoes and strode into the water, grimacing at the slime covered bottom. Taking a huge breath of air, she yelled to the man "STAND UP YOU DUMBASS!!!"  
The man was too busy splashing to hear.  
With a final mock exasperated glance back at Jori, Tanqueray strode further into the river, until she reached the man. Grabbing him by the collar of his sodden wool greatcoat, Tanqueray hauled him up. She stared at him. The man, looking bewildered and forlorn as all hell, stared back. Two rivulets of water ran down his sideburns, down the formidable jaw, to drip onto the already soaked coat.  
Pausing, almost letting the man fall again, Tanqueray contemplated. _Sideburns... Hmmmm... _With a sudden shriek of delight, causing the man in front of her to yelp and jump back, Tanqueray threw herself at the man. Who was, of course, Javert. Yay.  
Startled by Tanqueray's cry, Jori threw herself into the water, half wading, half swimming to save her friend from... The man she was frantically hugging... After a brief moment of contemplation and yet another scream of glee, Jori also dove onto Javert, successfully knocking them all over into the mud.

Javert fell, waiting for that glorious release that would await him in the water below. Instead, he found himself floundering about in shallow water with his face stuck in some disgusting muck. Finding himself hauled to his feet, he stared at the young blonde boy in front of him. No... The boy had breasts. But it was wearing trousers! Resisting an urge to scratch his head, Javert stared at the...thing...Just then, it let out a horrid shriek, flung itself at him, and started (horror of horrors) nuzzling him. As he attempted to shove/beat her away, a fellow creature launched itself at him, knocking them all back into the mud.

Jori, with much flailing, gagging and muttering about the damn mud, was the first to stand. Followed by Javert, with more of the same, with a healthy dose of G.O.D. (Glare o' Death), guaranteed to stop a convict at 50 paces. Tanqueray, with a sound between a sigh and self-effasive laugh, scrambled gracefully to her feet. Until, that is, her gripless boots met the mud. This time, at least, she fell face up...  
Jori, trying (and failing), her hardest to keep from laughing, offered a hand up. Tanqueray, once she had risen and could speak again, turned to her friend, Javert ignored for the moment.  
"Y'know what this reminds me of?"  
"Mmm?"  
Javert, trying to maintain as much dignity as a soaked, muddy and bewildered man can, just looked pissed off.  
"Skiing," Tanqueray continued, "remember, that mogel took me out, and my ski fell off..."  
Javert's face went so impossibly blank that he resembled a poorly-carved statue. Of an angry, perplexed god. Of water. Both girls began laughing insanely.  
"Um... Sorry... Jori, you'll never believe who this is!!!"  
"The guy who plays Javert, standing in the river in costume?"  
"No! It _is_ Javert!"  
"Uh..."  
Reaching up to grab Javert's shoulders, Tanqueray spun him slowly, trying to hold her frantic bouncing in.  
"Oh my god, it is him!!!!"  
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!" Javert spoke at last, startling both girls into falling over again.  
"W-well..." Tanqueray began, "you tried to commit suicide..."  
"I know that, you imbecile!"  
Tanqueray wasn't sure whether to be insulted, or just damned happy that Javert was talking to her... She settled for happy, she had always been difficult to insult.  
Somewhat cowed, Jori continued. "But, you didn't die. You...ended up here, somehow."  
"This is not Paris." It wasn't a question.  
"N-not exactly... It's, uh, Saskatoon..."  
"Saskatchewan. Canada." Jori added, watching Javert's face.  
"Merde..."  
"Uh, one more thing... It's not 1832..."  
"I was in a coma? For how long? I don't appear any older... How did I end up in this river, wearing the same clothing?"  
Jori stifled a giggle. that's, uh, one way of putting it..."  
Interrupting, Tanqueray muttered, "It's 2004..."  
"What?!" shrieked Javert. "You. People. Are. Insane. I should have the pair of you arrested, if I were not more concerned with getting the hell away!" With that, he swept away in a grey, dripping swirl.

"Damn... We'd better..."  
"Not let him get away?"  
Tanqueray grinned. "That too. But I meant, make sure he doesn't die or anything..."  
"Ah, yes."  
With a shared look of panic, they raced after the Inspector.

At first, our dear Inspector had been certain that these strange, youthful creatures were boys. After all, they were wearing pantaloons (How I love that word!) and one was even wearing a long coat, not unlike his own. However, as his eyes, honed by years of police work, examined the pair more closely, he saw that they were, indeed, female. Deciding that they must be prostitutes, he had been about to arrest them, when the closer one in the coat launched herself at him. After this, self-preservation became his top priority.  
After leaving our heroines, the good Inspector raced to the top of the bank, and began to run across a strange, rocky path. Glancing up, he saw a horseless carriage racing towards him, with no sign of stopping, emitting several horrible and frightfully loud sounds. With all the trauma of the past hours, Javert collapsed on the sidewalk.

"Ah ha! Jori, look down!"  
"Look down, don't look 'em in the eye..."  
Tanqueray sighed in mock-exasperation. "No no no. Well, yes yes yes, but no no no. I mean, gah... Just, look down. Look in the downward direction. You know what I mean."  
"By some miracle..." Trying to take another step before looking down, Jori stumbled over something. It was large, and heavy, and wet, and... "Javert!! Is he ok?"  
"Well (ha ha ha, take THIS Vinay. Even though I love you. In a Platonic way... Ummm...) committing suicide and ending up in Saskatoon 200 years later, plus being in a humorous fanfiction, can all add up to change one's character rather substancially..."  
"I just meant, is he ok. Physically."  
"Ah. Yes. He is. He must have passed out. We should prob'ly take him to that grass and take his clothes off."  
Jori's eyes bulged, and she gave an 'oh-dear-god' face. "Oh, dear God..."  
"Jori."  
"Tanqueray."  
"I meant, his jacket and stuff. So they can dry."  
"Suuuure..."  
"Ok, mostly..."  
Being somewhat heavy, it took the girls a while to drag Javert to the grass, and once there, other problems emerged. Such as: "What'll we do with him?"


	2. Living arrangements

"Well..." Tanqueray was clearly thinking deeply, Jori thought, "he'll have to stay at my house..."  
Or not... "What?!"  
"I know it sounds insane, but it's not. Really. See, my mom's gone for the week, and you have a bunch of people, and..."  
"Hmmm... Ok. But after that?"  
"I really have no idea. Maybe he'll poof back?"  
"Unfortunately, that might be best...."  
"Yeah. Well, better get him out of here."  
"How?"  
Tanqueray's eyes took on a wicked gleam. "Why, incessant poking, of course!"  
Jori looked skeptical. And worried about her friend's mental health.  
Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Javert blinked, then realized his eyes were closed. Opening them, he repeated the procedure. Still aware of a strange, rhythmic sensation at his ribs, he took a quick glance down. It was that blonde creature again, poking away at the poor Inspector (first class) like there was no tomorrow. It hadn't been a dream. He might have suspected Absinthe, if he ever engaged in such things. A bad batch of snuff, perhaps? The sight (and sound) of yet another of those horrible machines tearing past dispelled that thought. Sighing, he slapped the ...girl's... hand away. She looked absolutely scandalized, her eyes filling with tears, her delicate mouth twisted into a pout of colossal proportions. Her companion looked ready to fly at him. He prayed the girl wasn't armed.  
Now, Javert, as we can well imagine, had had little positive contact with females. Or crying people. Or crying females. Who he needed to comfort. Therefor, he was at something of a (total, utter and complete) loss, for once in his life. He glanced at the river. The girl's companion looked fairly fast. He blinked again. They were still there, still staring at him, still expectant. As a last resort, he fished deeply into his sodden coat, withdrew his (mercifully waterproof) snuffbox, extricated a pinch, and inhaled. Deeply. Nothing happened. The girl began to sob. Noisily. Passersby began to gaze over with alarm, and Javert still didn't know what to do. With a roll of her eyes, the other girl leaned over, whispered to her bawling friend, and patted her briefly on the head. The girl nodded, evidently pleased. An evil look crossed her face, one Javert had seen many, many times in his career. He had never gotten used to it.  
"You," she said, torturously slow, "are coming with me."  
This was the last thing he could possibly have ever expected the girl to say. He glanced at the companion. She, too, looked resolute.  
"I...what?"  
Shaking her head as if the statement had made an ounce of sense, and didn't he know it?, the girl carried on. "You see, it's the only thing that makes an ounce of sense. You need somewhere to stay. Jori's house is crowded. I'm all alone with the cats and pigs, for the whole week. La!"  
"Cats? Pigs?! This gamine is insane!" Too late, he realized he had said it out loud.  
"Indeed, and well aware of it." She offered him a hand. "I'm Tanqueray. This is Jori. Do you know your name?"  
At least she knows she's crazy... "Of course I do! I am...Javert!"  
For some totally inexplicable reason, both girls fell about in hysterics. He shrugged, lightly. It appeared he was stuck with these two, at least for now. Having never been anything but practical, Javert mentally accepted this bizarre fate.  
"Fine. I accept. I should like some dry clothing, and a little food would not be too amiss." He reached to straighten his hat, but it wasn't there. The girl who called herself 'Tanqueray' had taken possession of it, fondling it as if it were a kitten. With a slight grimace, Javert extended his hand with a slight cough. Reluctantly, the girl passed the hat, and watched him settle it in its accustomed position.  
"Right. Guess we'll have to catch a bus... Um, Jorver - Uh, Jori?"  
Javert blinked, but didn't comment.  
"Ya?"  
"Do you have any money? I have about $20, that's it."  
"Yeah, I have about the same. How come?"  
"We're gonna have to get him some clothes."

Next: Shopping with Javert!!! Might have some random cameos from other characters. (Oh, don't worry people, you'll all be in here... Ah hah ha ha ha!!!!)


	3. Shopping with Javert!

"Please, please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking..."

Tanqueray nodded overzealously. "Yup! We have to go..._shopping with Javert!!!!_"

"Ohdearlord..."

Suddenly, without any reasonable excuse, both Jean Valjean and the Bishop popped up, saying 'you called?' in unison. They then turned to each other, did NOT glare, but gave a less-than-smile, and began furiously comparing good deeds in order to determine which of them was the better Christian. Fortunatly for whatever is left of this plot, we don't need to go there.

"No, it'll be fine. We'll just take him into the mall, and look at clothes, and..." Tanqueray suddenly realized what she was saying. "Uh, ya. Bad, badbadbad idea... We'll just take the bus and get weird looks."

Javert, for some reason that no one will ever know, said, "Actually, I think it's rather a good idea. I do feel a bit conspicuous in this attire."

Jori glared, hard. Tanqueray tried to sidle away, but was quickly aprehended by both.

"Oh...No....You....Don't. It was your 'brilliant' idea, you're the one who found him. Let's go."

"Uh, but where? I mean...I mean... We're downtown. Where...all the stores are..." Tanqueray sighed, unfastened herself from Javert and Jori, and led the way.

"Oh! Here's the men's store that me and Phaydra once hid in to avoid these creepy people who were following us... Nah, too expensive."

Javert leaned down, touching Jori's shoulder. "Does she always talk this much?"

"Well... hmm... she's excited, so that brings the wordcount up, but she's also somewhat intimidated... Yeah, I'd say this is about average."

(Oh, just for the sake of this story, I'm changing downtown a little... I'm moving the police station is arrested by Javert for moving police property calls back I'll put it back when I'm done with it!!!)

"Oh look! There's the—"

"Jori. Please, for the sake of everyone I can possibly think of, do not finish that sentence..."

"—police station..." Javert sounded like he was having the first orgasm of his life. (I'm sorry, couldn't resist...)

"Um, no, that's not a police station. It's a, uh, prop. Yes. They're doing some show, and they needed a fake police station for a movie, but you don't know what a movie is, but let's go shop, you wanted to shop let's shop!!!"

Javert hadn't heard a word.

Fortunately, the station was on the same side of the street, as Javert neither knew or was in any state to heed traffic lights. With the look of a man who is approaching the gates of heaven intending to enjoy it for every last glistening instant, Javert walked into the station, completely oblivious to any and all stares he received. Tanqueray and Jori followed, discreetly, as close behind as possible.

Unfortunately, the cop at the desk had read Les Mis. And was a huge Javert fan. And recognized him, or at least that someone was trying to dress like him. She started laughing. Javert froze. His god was laughing at him.

"Ha ha, sorry big joke, knew you'd like it gotta go now thanks!" Tanqueray yelled back as she and Jori dragged the hapless inspector back outside.

"Ok, that was almost worth it..."

"Did you see her face?!"

"Or his! Oh god, I thought I was gonna die..."

They leaned against the wall, panting. Javert was in exactly the same position.

"Shit, you broke him..."

"Maybe he _is_ a robot..."

Jori looked blank.

"Uh, sorry. FF reference..."

"Now what?"

"A blanket!"

"The hell?"

"When someone's in shock, you're supposed to cover their head."

"Is he in shock?"

"I dunno. Have you ever seen someone in shock?" They both shook their heads.

"Guess it can't hurt...do you have a blanket?"

"No. We can use his coat..."

"We should probably hurry...Police station, not exactly inconspicuous..."

"Or, we could smack him."

"Blanket."

"Blanket."

A few minutes later, Javert appeared to have completely forgotten the episode. Whether this was due to experience on the inspector's part, or the use of his coat as a surrogate blanket, remains to be seen. For whatever reason, Javert suddenly sat up, startling Tanqueray and Jori out of their game of tic-tac-toe (or bits of garbage on the scratches of a highly uncomfortable bench). Gathering his coat around him, the inspector announced, "Right. Shopping, then?"

Several more minutes later, when the girls had won their battle over hysteria, Tanqueray (ack, I hate spelling my own name wrong...) managed to wheeze, "Midtown?"

Jori just started singing. (for those of you who don't live here, I'll spare you the horror...)

Tanqueray and Javert both covered their ears, but it was _too late_! The horribly catchy jingle was stuck in their heads: they had no choice but to sing! Soon the whole bus mall was singing the horribly catchy jingle (or HCJ, I love acronyms). Except Grantaire, who was randomly there with a bottle of wine, singing (ha ha, I wrote sinning...) "J'aimons le filles, Et j'aimons le bon vin!" incessantly. (whoo! I have _all the lyrics_ to that song, now just have to find the tune...) (also, my cursor is a French flag... that was totally random, but pleasant...) (anyway...)

The others ignored Grantaire, and only Tanqueray gave him a second glance. But she, too, soon looked away, as the entire street erupted into musical pandemonium!!! Javert attempted to regain order, but was instead tricked into singing a solo. He denies that this ever happened, but we have witnesses. Anyway. Eventually, this musical-lover's dream ended, much to the chagrin of the LM fans who found out later and wanted to know why they hadn't heard the people sing, and why they hadn't heard the people sing Do You Hear the People Sing?? (eh heh... my brain has just found its back... so, off we go...)

Just then, a huge thing came down and wiped everyone's memory of this unfortunate incident. Including you.

Tanqueray led the way, followed by Jori and Javert, who were busily trying to think of ways to make her less hyper. (ah hah! Found the culprit! It's the Dr. Pepper! reads label do not drink while writing fanfiction... hmmmmmm....) (I should probably just stop here, before I regret it... till tomorrow! I'm off to watch LM (evil 1998 version....))

(the next morning... ACK! THE 1998 IS SO EVIL EVIL EVIL! But, I've already done my rant on that. So, on with the story... because I'm insane, I'll leave the randomness from last night... so, here we go.)

At long last, our trio arrived at the mall. Javert stared. Tanqueray looked over to the 'home of Les Mis' (or Centennial Auditorium) and could hardly keep her eeps of joy contained, despite having the real Javert at her side. Jori just looked tired of the whole mess.

"What...what is this place?" Javert stammered, a first for him.

"It's a mall. It's got everything, clothes, food, random crap..."

Javert looked puzzled.

"Uh, not _literal_ random crap... Anyway, if we're gonna get you a disguise, this is the place. Jori? You ok?"

Jori just _looked_ at her.

"Ah. Yes. Right."

Half an hour later, they had assembled a vast array of men's clothing in a cart, and were ready for Javert to try it on. He looked somewhat skeptical.

"You are certain that this is what men wear in this place?"

"Yup. Go on. Actually, we'll come in with you, so you don't have to show us every outfit. And we can help you...with stuff..."

The girls exchanged evil looks that were totally missed by the good inspector. So, they all crowded into a changing booth with heaps of clothes. After the first outfit, a simple t-shirt and jeans, the girls looked to each other.

"Somehow, I don't think this is gonna work..."

"This was your idea. I blame you." Jori sat on a heap of discarded clothes, watching.

"Seriously, I don't think it's that bad. Look in the mirror."

Javert did, and although what came out of his mouth was not a scream, so he insists, several witnesses would refute that.

"Or, ok, maybe not your look. How about this suit?"

"Tanqueray. This thing costs $100... Jeans and a t-shirt is all we can afford..."

"Or, casual! Casual is a very good look, very..."

Javert glowered. "I believe that I will remain in my own clothing, thank you." With that, he swept the door open, toppling the pile Jori had requisitioned and sending both girls into a heap.

(ack, long, horrible chapter.....)


End file.
